Connall's Day
It started with an appointment where we knew the outcome of the situation; we had been living the incomprehensible nightmare since our twenty-week scan. Connall had so many complex heart problems, the major one being Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, we knew a cure was not an option. No one could give us any answers as to how long we would have together as a family, All that was certain was we would have very little time, if any at all, to be with Connall, but through all the diagnosis we decided to continue on with the pregnancy and give Connall whatever chance we could. My guilt now was that for me it was fear that made me incapable of making a decision, the most major decision my life had called for but I continued on never the less.
Today's appointment we had asked for, because there had been fluid around one of Connall's lungs, we wanted to see if that was getting better or worse as that was the main problem in pregnancy for Connall now.
At 12am we had our scan with Dr Hamilton our obstetrician, who confirmed that the fluid seemed no worse since our appointment months ago at Great Ormond Street, but that good news was soon forgotten when it was noted that there seemed to be less amniotic fluid around Connall. Asking if I had a show, they did all the usual checks and that was when they got concerned, as my blood pressure was quite high. Dr Hamilton talked about the fact that the chances of still birth in Connall's case were raised due to his condition I think this was said to try and prepare us for this possibility she also started to suggest the route of induction, I was adamant that I didn't want that. I was still then trying to put off the inevitable labour still trying to get out of it, so it was suggested that we go off and have something to eat and come back where my blood pressure could be checked again. After we went back to the day ward they took my blood pressure again and it was very high, they decided there and then inducing me was the best course of action.
I was angry I had spent nearly nine months fearing the inevitable labour and now I was being told that it was happening now and today, thank God for our appointment with Fiona our midwife counsellor that afternoon I was so shocked I just sat there to numb to speak. She tried to reassure me but I was in my own world of not excepting this whole situation, I was absolutely terrified and had no idea as to how it would all come about.
We went back to the maternity ward where I was given a side room and I was given my first dose of prostaglandin by a lovely midwife. At 6pm hooked up to my tens machine that had miraculously arrived that day I sat there awaiting the inevitable pains of labour. As Connall was laying low down I felt pain quite quickly, it felt like the most severe constipation I had ever had as Connall was lying awkwardly. Simon went home to get our hospital bits and all Connall's things and to phone all the relevant people, by this time Mum had arrived and was trying to keep us both sane by talking about any thing to distract us from what was going to happen.
Whilst Simon was away I met a lovely Doctor, called Dr Dixon the paediatrician who would look after Connall's needs when he was born. It was discussed as to what pain relief we could give, how to keep Connall as comfortable as we could. If he survived longer then doctors expected then they would insert a feeding tube but that was very unlikely this was all that was left to us as Connall's parents now, we wanted to meet him so desperately but we wanted him in no distress or pain. Dr Dixon said she would come back when Simon was back to discuss it with both of us. When he did it was agreed that all we wanted was our time together and to make Connall as comfortable as possible using morphine to be fed to him if he needed it.
That night we also had visits from Fiona our amazing midwife councillor and Anna the Chaplain to let us know they were there for us.
After that my side, mum left left me to get comfortable for the night with Simon with my step-dad Sid. All I desperately wanted to do was have a bath to sooth the pain and then try to get some sleep as the midwife had suggested.
Simon's dad also visited us he brought some beautiful yellow roses with him for us. I will never forget them as they were a striking yellow that I had never seen before they were beautiful he stayed for a while and then left soon after that, saying he would be around, even if he had to sleep in the car.
At 12 pm I was given another dose of gel. This time the pain seemed to stop; I had one more bath and then tried to settle down, although I slept very little.
At 7 o'clock in the morning we were transferred over to the labour ward where the sister tried and successfully broke my waters, she left the room with the words “ I bet you hate me now for that and I hope you get what you want” after throwing up in the sink through the sheer shock of what had just been done I started sucking on the gas and air and that was when the pain really kicked in.
We had two amazing mid wives with us Julie Chenery a sweet Mary Poppins character born to be a carer and the other midwife being Louise Elliot who we had met a few weeks before and knew our case. She said she would try to attend as she worked four days a week in the delivery ward. Louise was a wonderful lady too. Both of these women I am so glad, met and delivered Connall, what wonderful human beings.
Before Louise arrived I was on gas and air and given the option of the birthing pool, which I tried.
My god it was hot, along with the gas and air it worked for about half an hour before the pain started to become to intense. Simon was so brave so caring, giving me gas and air when I needed it and stroking my face as I kept getting on my hands and knee's which seemed to help. Dr Hamilton came in briefly to see me as she was going off shift after an exhausting 24-hour stint; she said she would be back in on Friday. It was Thursday morning so hopefully we would see her again.
As Julie got me out the birthing pool I had a really strong contraction, with Julie and Simon supporting me we all swayed together in a little dance until it had passed which must of looked absolutely hilarious. I bet that would have been a photo for women's own magazine though what caption they would of put would have been interesting. At this point I asked for something stronger because of our situation we opted for Meptid, as it didn't have the same restrictions as pethedine on the babies respiration in labour.
As I lay on the bed on my side the pain was really becoming intense. By this time Louise had arrived and was with us. At one point Simon was told my mother was there so he quickly let her in to see me, I was so out of it on gas and air I had no idea who was in the room. It was like awakening from a dream I remember Simon speaking to me and lovely Louise rubbing my back but that was it.
As labour progressed I asked for an epidural they gave Simon a card to read with all the pros and cons of the procedure, just so he had something to do whilst they were setting up the drips. Vaguely his voice was ringing in and out of my ears but the pain was so intense. I was trying vainly to get the gas and air into my system with each contraction but it wasn't quite flowing that way any more. I remember the anaesthetist coming into the room and remember the words she said to me as she bent down by my side “ I know this hurts I have had two of these” but now there was not enough time for it to start working as I was told it would take twenty minutes, all I could say was twenty minutes in quite an anguished voice. As I was very near to having Connall all I wanted to do was push but it hurt so much I couldn't. With every contraction coming I started trying to concentrate Simon was putting the gas and air tube in my mouth through my clenched teeth, coaching me through the pain. At various intervals I had my blood pressure and temperature checked. There is nothing like trying to monitor your temperature with thermometers that take ages when you are having contractions every minute. I remember Louise saying she is in second stage of labour but that was it, I was just in my own world of pain and didn't have a clue as to what she meant. I just kept pushing when I was told to by the midwives though the pain suddenly ended when with one last push I delivered Connall, that was the only part of labour that I felt when he finally came out of me, the relief, the feeling of relief is something I could not put words to. It was 11:20 am and my labour had been a very quick four hours.
Because of my drug fuelled state I got really upset and demanded to know if he was still with us as Connall cried very quietly when he was born, I couldn't except we would be given the grace of having him with us alive, but he was, our little Angel was with us and after he was checked by Dr Dixon and I was helped up still in a very drug induced state, I was given the most perfect and beautiful being that has ever entered my life.
Connall was beautiful he had lots of red curly hair considering his father is bald as are a lot off men in his family that was no mean feat, he had big hands with extremely long fingers he also had big feet which were wonderful. His features were perfect he had a little rounded nose and beautiful formed lips his eyebrows were very light, just like mine. He had little rolled up ears that were gorgeous. Absolutely beautiful.
It was there he was given his first dose of morphine from a syringe. He wasn't playing and kept spitting it out much to Dr Dixon's laughs. That was one moment I will never forget how Dr Dixon was so tender and caring of our beautiful little baby.
Julie had left to inform both our family's who were waiting in the hospital for news and to call the chaplain Anna Garvey who was on urgent call to baptise Connall the moment he was with us. In that brief time me and Simon along with Louise took time to be completely awed by the little amazing man who had fought to get here with all the odds stacked up against him. In that time we were a happy family filled with the love that is given any family with the birth of a perfect being, the feelings I had and have for Connall were so amazing all I wanted to do was protect and love him, cover him in kisses.
I was very frightened though from the start as Connall was breathing very differently, lower down from his diaphragm to compensate for his condition. I was so fearful he was going to die straight away all I wanted was to be able to keep him, breath for him to have a mirical there and then. But what at that time I failed to realise was I had had my mirical as Connall had been born and was with us with so many odds stacked up against him.
My mum was the first into the room what more could I expect she would of broken down doors to be there in an instant, she came in almost crying saying "he's so beautiful”.
Then Simon's Mum and Dad arrived, Simon's dad started filming with his camera. Don and Syd then arrived both step dads to Simon and I and Granddad's to Connall.
By this time Anna the chaplain had arrived and started to commence with the baptism though my sister wasn't there I asked her to wait for a moment but because time was not a definite she continued on. My sister arrived a few minutes after Anna had started. To me everything was a blur I was so fearful for Connall I kept whispering to him please stay with us please don't go yet. Today looking back I feel so bad for saying that because it was all up to Connall but I just wanted time with my beautiful baby. It was almost like he understood our needs and gave us what we wanted, he withstood all he could to be with us to let us love him, something I can never say thank you to Connall enough for. He showed unselfish qualities in the face of so much, I still then don't think I had prepared myself for the inevitable. The christening ended with the Lords prayer though the words didn't register for me. My sister sprung a surprise on me by presenting Connall with a beautiful christening bracelet with twinkle twinkle little star on it, which exactly what he was.
After that everyone was ushered from the room while I was cleaned up and they cut the cord, it had been decided before Connall was born that they wouldn't cut the cord straight away as it would help Connall as he was still getting oxygen from the placenta which would still be pulsating for a while after delivery, but it had now stopped and they needed to cut it, now Connall was on his own I could no longer help him so they cut the cord and got rid of everything and covered me up again.
Every one came in again and I gave Connall to my Sister to hold first, sitting on the stool she played with his little lips with her finger cooing at him. Every one was in so much awe of our precious little boy. He was then given back to me and then passed to Simon's mum and then my Mum in that time he opened his beautiful little eyes letting us know he was aware of us. And he was starting to get annoyed with all the passing around of him, as he wanted to be with his mum and dad. Simon's dad held him, Connall started crying, as he just wanted us again, he was passed back to me, as I wanted to comfort him. He again opened his eyes and looked at me as I talked to him to let him know I was with him and not to be upset, then my dad came in with my brother in law Trevor, I gave him to my father to hold who was totally awed. Then to Trevor, now Trevor got a wonderful response as Connall opened his eyes so wide and I swear a moment passed between them too, looking back at the photo it is a moment of your not my dad you have got more hair! Who are you? After this he was passed back to me as he was getting distressed and all I wanted to do was hold him again also his breathing was worse. My mum went to get a midwife again at this point I just wanted to be me and Simon and Connall together alone.
Every one left the room as Dr Dixon returned with a syringe of morphine Connall took a little bit. It was from this moment on our beautiful little boy started slipping away from us he lost consciousness soon after that. He just went very quietly and dignifiedly. Dr Dixon checked his heart saying it was slowing down. It wouldn't be long I just kept telling Connall how much we loved him and how proud we were of him.
I then said to Dr Dixon I think he has gone as he was so still and quiet, his heart was checked, at that moment he let out a little breath letting us know he was still there with us. Simon swears to this day that it was Connall's response to me saying we both loved him; his little breath just sounded, like” I know.” I again told him how much we loved him and his heart was checked again it was then our little boy passed away in our arms surrounded by the love that was all his. I just held him tightly in my arms, we were then left alone just me Connall and Simon together our perfect little family. To this day I will never understand the feelings of watching Connall die in our arms, it is to incomprehensible there are no words to describe the situation, one that should never be allowed to happen, I questioned God as to why he allowed us to go through this but meeting and going through this situation has been the one unselfish thing in my life that I can be truly proud of. Connall is my one true redeeming moment. All I could think and feel was complete awe at such a miraculous little boy who held both his parents hopes and dreams and in two hours taught them the meaning of life and how precious it is. The midwives went to tell our families who were waiting outside in the family room for news that precious little Connall had fallen asleep.
We were given time by the midwives to be alone, but they still had to clean me up and check if I needed stitches as I had torn a little bit in labour.
Julie came back in and weighed Connall he weighed 6lb 10 oz a perfect and healthy weight and then cleaned him and dressed him in the little blue suit we had brought him with a little Roo on the front.
Which was a lovely velvety material with a knitted cream cardigan again with Roo on the front he also had a little hat to go with the outfit. He looked so beautiful I had met and held an Angel he was wrapped up in a purple knit blanket that Simon's mum had given us and given back to us as Julie took photos of us together with the ward camera. I will never forget Julie's kindness, as she was so gentle with Connall and so caring, speaking to him he was a precious human being in her eyes.
It was then that our families were asked if they wanted to come back in to say their goodbyes to Connall, Simon's mum came in first with my mum and sister. I just started crying when they came in; all Simon's mum could say to me was let it out. After I had calmed myself a bit, we laid Connall in his Moses basket covered him with the blanket and put all his toys around him. My mum was crying saying she did not want to leave him alone she wanted to stay but she knew she needed to go. Also my uncle Jimmy and Aunt Nicki had come to hospital they had driven a long way to get to us and had arrived five minutes before Connall had fallen asleep, we wanted them to come in but it was too near the end and all we wanted to do was be Mummy and Daddy and Connall together as it had been at the start. My uncle Jimmy came in and told us he loved us all with Nicki and saw Connall then every one left the hospital together one thing I am glad of that every one was together. They could all talk about the amazing brief moment Connall David Miles came into their lives.
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9 July, 2006