Consultation With Hinchingbrooke Hospital
After the weekend, we had an appointment with Dr Algawi regarding the findings and to talk through our options, this time she was so much different she was caring and gentle and lovely not stressed as she had been in the last appointment, I also asked my mother to attend, as I wasn't really on the planet I was walking around in a daze just to be a third set of ears to listen as rationally as she could. Also in attendance was an obstetrician called Dr Hamilton who sat in on the meeting. Simon was asking questions as well as my mum I was just sitting there like a ghost not listening not knowing what to do, my mum was asking if there was any hope and trying to get me to listen, At this point in time she was starting to reason that may be it was better we ended it as it seemed so hopeless and she didn't want us suffering any more, Simon was angry as really it wasn't for her to say this, and looking back it should have just been us there but because we were both so raw I felt having another pair of ears was a good idea. Mum was trying to get me to listen to Dr Alwgawi telling us that Connall just couldn't survive, it was all far to serious and really we had two choices either to end everything now or go through with the pregnancy and maybe get a miracle of having some time with our little boy but my mum wanted me to hear that.
It was all to much I couldn't take any of it in, in the end Dr alwgawi left the meeting with your mum has had her say now its up to you to make a decision come and see me in 48 hours, I just wanted to hide again and after that appointment there where more then on or two very stern words spoken between mum and Simon again with me off in my own little world it just wasn't happening
Two days of not knowing what to do having talked through every scenario getting every family members opinion on the situation talking and crying with Simon we decided to give it four weeks and go back down to Ormond street as it would give Connall a chance to grow we were not going to have an amniocentesis as the risk of miscarriage was something we didn't want to have to deal with, that was something I put my foot down on I said no but the Dr's would be able to get some more information on the situation as they would be able to see more and then in our heads we would know if anything had got better or worse, both Simon and I decided that if situation got any worse and Connall was struggling/ suffering we would consider termination as we couldn't bare it if he was suffering in any way but however bleak the situation was if there was any hope we had to give him a chance it was his right as our baby. I again feel so guilty about it all as I just wanted to hide my head in the sand if I could of wished myself unpregnant again I think I would of because I was just so scare but Simon's love was so strong for our baby I believe he is the reason Connall stayed as he knew how much his daddy loved him then.
Meeting With Fiona.
Now if there was anyone on our journey that was truly a god send to us it was Fiona Lockett, what an amazing person to come into our lives at such a terrible/ tragic time, Fiona a mid wife counsellor, some one to talk our feelings through with together as a couple. When we first met Fiona she was so understanding so gentle she just listened as we poured out our lives to her at the first appointment which seemed to last for five minutes we just talked and then we were offered the chance to have some more appointments, I am so glad we took her up on the offer as we have come on this terrible journey we have met someone truly wonderful who knows us very well our thoughts and feelings has helped us practically with suggestions that have helped us cope and someone who has been a tower of strength and even though she is not family she will always be part of our family, me Simon and Connall. A special Aunty.
So our journey was set it was decided that we were continuing on with the pregnancy.
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9 July, 2006