Connall's Last Night

It was a few hours after Connall had passed away and we were given the option to go home. As William Peacocks had closed no one could pick Connall up until the next day, Connall could be left in the chapel of rest at the hospital until then, I refused. I was not leaving him alone until he was picked up. So it was decided that we would stay until the next morning as a family. A family for one perfect night it was the best decision of my life as those precious hours no one could take them away ever.

We changed rooms we were put right at the end of the maternity ward so we could be left alone and not be disturbed by the cries of other mothers in birth, though I heard every cry that night that of the mothers and their new babies. I will not say that it was easy. I sat there most of the night with Connall in my arms just staring at the clock and listening to all the noises of the ward. It was as though I was in the twilight zone time was moving on around me though for me my world had stopped.

Connall was so beautifully heavy in my arms, so perfect the most up setting thing for me was I wanted to protect him wrap him up and keep him warm in my arms but I could not his skin was so cold so perfect. I just held his cold skin against my face my warm tears falling onto his delicate perfect form. Simon was sleeping on the bed that the midwives had set up for him, he was tired he had been up at least 24 hours and had just collapsed, once or twice I put Connall in his Moses basket and tried to sleep but then felt guilty I was not loving him in my arms so I sat up most of the night, keeping watch in our own little world away from everything and one else.

Before even having Connall I had worried about seeing him dead and had asked Simon to promise to make me see him if he had died before birth as I was frightened I would just loose it and say I did not want to see Connall. But sitting there with Connall in my arms, looking at my perfect baby how could I not want to see him and love him, I could not be frightened of my perfect little baby boy he was my flesh and blood and spirit and those hours with him will never be forgotten even in 10 life times. He just looked like he was sleeping, the only bit of Connall that showed death was his little perfect lips that had gone black and his skin colour a bit darker, but he was my heart and soul and to be honest if he had turned green I would still love him as much and never be frightened of such beauty that I had been given. Towards dawn I roused Simon and went to get showered and try to go to the toilet, as every thing was so painful still. In that short time Simon spent his own time with his son and in that time he took the most precious photo of Connall I have, wrapped up in his blanket on the bed with the morning sun light streaming through the sky light which is in the photo section of this website. To me that is the closest I will ever get to heaven I have seen the most beautiful image my eyes will see. I wrote this poem afterwards to express what it meant to me.

 

This is how Daddy saw you the next morning

Through his eyes of love

Our beautiful sleeping Angel

So perfect so beautiful so meant to be

Captured in sweet innocence

We both know how prince charming felt

When he laid eyes on his sleeping beauty

For you are ours

Heaven had transformed it self before our eyes

Showing us all the meaning of life

So sleep peacefully our little one

Knowing we love you

 

After that our mid wives had come into see us bringing us breakfast.

And this is something I will never forget, they all said good morning to Connall he was treated like a perfect little human being even after he died that kindness I will never ever forget, our wonderful obstetrician came in to see us. Lovely Dr Hamilton it was the first time she had seen us, she just stood there in front of me tears falling like a water fall all I could do was show her Connall in my arms and give her a hug saying thank you for all she had done. After that we got our things together ready to leave the hospital.

We then me and Simon together with Julie and Louise carried Connall in his Moses basket, it was the one baby item we kept as no matter what I wanted Connall in his little bed, it was brought for him it was his. Going down to the hospital chapel of rest this was the hardest moment of my life as I realised we would have to let Connall go. We carried our little Angel both Simon and I carried a handle. Julie apologised to us as she put a little white blanket over Connall's face saying it to stop prying eyes as we walked through the hospital corridors. The worse part of that journey was coming face to face with a couple walking out from special care baby unit, the look on the mothers face as we walked towards each other, the realisation of what she was seeing was written on her face as we walked as dignifiedly and proudly with our dead but perfect little boy, our midwives behind us. When we got to the chapel of rest the lady who eventually let us in after a wait of a couple of minutes had tears in her eyes as we laid Connall on the Alter in his bed kissing him on his for head and saying good bye.

We then left the hospital with Connall' death certificate to go and register Connall's birth and death. On the way out of the hospital the same couple we met in the corridors came down the stairs, I have never seen a couple shrink as quickly into the wall when they saw us, they literally tiptoed behind us. Simon and me just held each other and walked slowly out into the bright morning sunlight. Though to be honest the world had no sound and every one seemed like ghosts to me, all I wanted was every one in the world to understand our pain to understand what had happened. After that we preceded to Huntingdon Register office. This was a very painful and yet wonderful experience. When we got into the car park a very brisk parking attendant for the council came up and in a very stern tone asked where me and Simon here on official council business as we had parked there to which Simon replied.

"Yes I am here on official business I am here to register the birth and death of my son," the man looked absolutely horrified pointed in the direction of the office and scuttled away. One thing I could honestly say was I bet he wouldn't do that again. We went into the office and were ushered into the room where the registrar who married us was sitting .she also was an old friends mother, at first she didn't click who I was until I reminded her that she had married me and then in one shocked oh my God Lisa she clicked. She was so upset for us though we strangely comforted her with the fact that we had been prepared for a long time for Connall's death and we had had our two perfect hours with Connall. The wonderful thing about registering Connall was we were asked which way round we wanted to do it and at Simon's suggestion we got to do it the right way round for once, before Connall was born a usual day for us was the funeral directors, then to the chaplain then on to the midwife councillor and then the midwife to check Connall, this time we could register his birth first, the only thing that up set me was one parent was only allowed to sign the certificate, it felt so un fare for Simon as he had just as much right to sign it as I did he was there, then we registered Connall's death this time Simon signing the certificate. After that was done we brought a copy of each and left the register office.

We then went back to the hospital to pick up our clothes and say goodbye to the midwives and then on to William Peacocks to see Pat, after the last few forms were filled out by Pat she asked did we want to see Connall I was up and out my chair before she even finished her sentence of course I would of battered down doors and walls to see Connall again, I was so happy to be with him again after a couple of minutes we were told he was in their chapel and to take as much time as we wanted to.

William Peacocks were wonderful they had laid Connall out in his coffin.

Beautifully, he was wrapped up in his blanket, all his toys around him with the silver wolf pendant tucked into the fold of his hat, over the top of the coffin they had covered the bottom half in white lace, almost like a christening blanket the lid of his coffin was standing up in the corner with his name on a brass plaque. He looked so beautiful all I wanted to do was pick him up again but I didn't know if I was allowed to, as he looked so perfect. Both Simon and I just stood above him holding hands weeping.

He looked so perfect, though his skin was very grey now just like an Angel stature. After a while Simon said we needed to go and leave him in Pat's care, let him rest in peace as he had given every one their glismp of heaven and he should be left now to rest, as we were the last ones to see Connall it felt right, we were the first and we were the last, his adoring parents. Bending over him and covering him in kisses and tears I will never know how we left that room as I could of stayed with him right up to the funeral but Simon said that he did not want me to ruin all my good memories with seeing him like that, so that was the last time we saw Connall, I some times look back now and wish I had gone back but in my heart of hearts I know Simon was right. It was right to let go of him physically though he is in our hearts, minds and souls forever never forgotten just loved and cherished.

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Connall's Funeral

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19 May, 2005