The First Few Weeks
The first couple of weeks, I really struggled, as I was feeling very, very apprehensive, very scared almost angry with what I discovered I had never expected this
How could I feel like this, wasn't this supposed to be one of the happiest times of my life. Yet all I was doing was questioning myself as to why didn't I feel euphoric, what kind of mother would that make me? Did that make me?
I didn't want to think about it, if I didn't think about it I could forget about it, but that was getting harder and harder by the day as I was feeling very sick all the time now and there was no escaping the fact that morning sickness was very imminent now, in fact it started from that moment on wards, I was sick all the time, in the morning, in the afternoon and in the evening, every morning I would get up and go strait to the toilet and become well acquainted with the toilet bowl. In the first couple of months I lost over a stone of weight from being sick, it became so repetitive it became part of my daily routine I even got used to it. Even though the sickness lasted through my whole pregnancy towards the end I think it was purely stress and fear.
At the start though I didn't want to tell anyone in my family as I thought that my family would be disappointed with me as I wasn't married, a strange and stupid thought as my family aren't at all like that I don't know why I thought that but I felt everyone would be disapproving of our news but to my shock when I did tell them they were very supporting and happy it just made the wedding even more of a special time After the first few weeks of initial shock and fear Simon and myself got married. We had our lovely wedding at the local hotel a small affair but filled with so much happiness we had had our first scan by then my booking scan and had various scan photographs, to me it all looked like various shades of grey which I couldn't work out what was what so we announced our babies arrival by putting the scan picture in our wedding messages book with our message of this is what Lisa and Simon have to say, many people were absolutely thrilled as they didn't know so it was a complete start of the fairy tale marriage and a new baby. After the 8 weeks of stress and last minutes will my dress still fit we then honeymooned in Gran Canaria and relaxed together into married life with a rosy future in front of us Christmas was a lovely time our first married Christmas was very special. But still the fear lingered and I still was a little bit detached from all the changes my body was going through I was still feeling very guilty that I wasn't jumping up and down with joy over my pregnancy as how lucky was I that I was going to have a baby. Simon was also struggling with my lack of enthusiasm and did get quite upset as he was reading up on the fetuses progress and trying to show me the amazing changes my body was going through and yet I still seemed distant over feeling any excitement which lead to a lot of friction between us. At the start all I could think about was all those horrible video's we had to watch in Biology of women giving birth screaming with lots of blood, I looked at my scan photo's but still could not make out anything. I kept thinking I would find a connection to the baby but I just didn't feel the bond I wanted and expected to feel. But we started getting ourselves prepared.
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Consultation With Hinchingbrooke Hospital
9 July, 2006