Lisa's Story, Connall's Funeral

Lovingly stroking the beautiful velvety white fibres that kept your little form protected and safe from the cruel harsh world

As we drove with slow grace, I felt pride at peoples shocked stares at your tiny cradle of silent sleep

As we had been aware of Connall's condition for four months before he was born, both Simon and I decided we would arrange Connall's funeral before he was born so we could do it when we were still rational, it would give us time after Connall's passing to just be together and mourn and not have to be dealing with funeral arrangements. We also knew if we didn't arrange things people would try to take over, to take that off of our shoulders to protect us and Connall's funeral would not be what we wanted it to be.

We asked that people wear bright colours, as we wanted to celebrate Connall he was bright and beautiful, we also decided that we did not want to have all Connall's toys brought for him by various relatives in the casket with him, only the little Roo that I had brought him. We instead invited people to write letters to Connall or put a picture in something more personal between only them and him. Both Simon and I wrote our letters, my sister wrote a letter and put a picture of her and my two nieces in with her husband. One thing that I really was touched by was neither of my nieces met Connall as Anna is two and Madeleine was six so I asked Madeleine to draw a picture of her with Connall, she did a beautiful little picture of her holding Connall's hand with lots of red hair for Connall this was before she even knew what colour his hair was, before she was shown photos. Anna did some scribbles also, it meant so much to me. My mum also put a letter and photo in of Shandy our family dog who had died a few years ago, so Connall would know whom to look for.

The funeral home in Huntingdon William Peacock and Sons were absolutely amazing we had been seeing a lovely lady called Pat who was so caring and very sensitive. It is amazing that all the care and compassion we got from this funeral home was completely free as there was no charge for Connall's funeral. The time and care they took with Connall and us I, will never forget for the rest of my life. It made me proud to be a human being meeting these people what compassion I witnessed. We had decided that we wanted to wait for Anna Garvey our chaplain to come back from her retreat to perform Connall's funeral so the date was the 7 th of June at the east chapel at Cambridge Crematorium at 10;00 am. We had decided on cremation as Simon said Connall was the phoenix rising from the ashes and the funeral home had let us have a little blue porcelain heart with a white enamel mother and baby on the lid to put Connall's ashes into until his internment. It was so poignant that his heart was what had made him so ill and yet his heart was so brave and innocent.

We had On that day instead of having the limousine come to our house with Connall to pick us up as our neighbour was about to give birth to her little boy and we didn't want to upset her in any way, drove to the funeral home ourselves and were ushered into the room where we had seen Pat so many times before. We had asked only for two sets of flowers one from me and Simon and the other from all the families. We had asked for donations to SANDS and Little Hearts Matter the two amazing organisations that had helped us. Our flowers were done by Sam at the Flower patch we had a beautiful little black wolf from me and Simon and an angel from every one else. We also had a little spray of roses on Connall's casket. I also asked for two little buttonhole of roses tied with a purple ribbon to signify me and Simon tied with the love of Connall forever, our perfect little union. As we sat waiting Pat put our buttonholes on us and just talked to us saying how proud she was of us, at our dignity with the whole dealing of the situation after one last cuddle with her we were then led to the car waiting with Connall in.

Connall's toys were lying on the seat next to his little white casket. The material of the casket was a white velvety flower perfect for a baby as they were so soft and pure. On the seat where Connall's casket lay there was a velvet throw like you would find on a church alter with the sign of the cross on it and Connall's flowers were sat in front of that. I just got in the car with Simon and then the reality of what was happening hit Simon and me. We both started crying and touching Connall's casket. It was so strange all that was separating us was his coffin and all I wanted to do was open it up and hold him again. But because we couldn't I just couldn't and didn't want to comprehend that my baby was in that coffin to me it was just a box, I hope that that was just the shock hitting home the reality of our journey as nothing seemed to be real any more.

We drove down the A14 both Simon and I holding hands we spoke to Connall for the last time I wanted Simon to tell him a joke something that we could always treasure our final words to our little boy. As we drove down the A14 people stared with shocked and fascinated faces at the little white coffin the mixture of emotion I felt was so strong. When we finally drove into the crematorium that was when the tears flowed the most. As we waited and watched the families and friends and our wonderful midwives Louise Julie and Carol and our health visitor Tina along with lovely Fiona gather together. Even lovely Jane from our SANDS group came as the group representative to be with us, one of five people in that space who understood our pain the pain of loosing the most precious being in their lives. I just couldn't look at people's faces any more. Every one was lead into the chapel and sat down before me and Simon had the car door opened and were given Connall's casket to carry into the chapel to the tune of Blondie's Union City Blues the song Connall had been born to. After Mark the funeral director had taken Connall's casket and laid it on the alter Anna started the service. She first of all read some of our poetry that we selected for the service, and then went onto her sermon of Mary going to the tomb and the resurrection which I had asked for as I didn't want to sit and listen to come little children who suffer unto me as at that point I really didn't like God that much. After that my sister very bravely read out a poem written by me called Connall's words and then read out the words Trevor had written also. I must admit I don't remember any ones faces, as I was only aware of Simon and Connall. After that Anna ended the service with a little talk about SANDS and what it was all about. We all then said the Lords prayer as the curtain closed around Connall, his final performance almost the curtain closing around the star, to that Mark also bowed to Connall's casket as the song Into the West by Annie Lennox started playing. Simon and me just clung onto each other crying uncontrollably, the words of the song absolutely perfect expressing what was on our hearts. When we were ready we lead the families and friends out into the morning sun to where the floral tributes were laying, to read the messages of love. Simon's dad had brought a single white rose stem as had my sister's best friend Sharon. Simon and I Then proceeded to go down the long line of people to say thank you for being there.

The only people I wanted really to be with at the time was our midwives and Jane who needed an extra special hug as it must have been so hard for her bringing back all her memories whilst being there for us.

After we had all stood together for a while we all left to go to Slepe hall for Connall's wake, this was the place we had been married at and where Connall had been present as I was 16 weeks pregnant by the time of our wedding, it just felt right to be there again. We just put a simple tea and coffee with sandwiches on for every one, we also had a photo album with photo's of Connall with poetry in that I had put together. For some it was the first time they had seen a picture of Connall. It just felt right instead of putting a framed picture of Connall on the side for every one to see.

To this day I will never forget the love and compassion from everyone there but my extra special thanks and love goes to all our midwives and Jane, who were all amazingly wonderful to us. The only way I can really end this chapter is to say that we felt calm and peaceful as the service for Connall felt so perfect and right, Anna did such a beautiful service and I know Connall would be proud of every one, I just hope he is heaven looking down at us saying there goes my mummy and daddy and we did all three make it together until the end with our love.